Olds call 'em buttons, we call 'em keys

While watching Seinfeld a minute ago (I know, I know, but what can I do? It's still funny!), I saw a commercial for a new KFC product: the Laptop Pack Kids Meal. Like most commercials advertising children's products, this one was intended for young eyes; kids are supposed to see the ad and then make their parents buy them the thing. I am no child, and I could tell right away that this meal was little more than a glorified version of Lunchables. Still, I was intrigued by the laptop imagery, so I logged on to the internet for some more information.

All I found was a press release from 2002 and a write-up in Packaging Digest from around the same time. That's when the Laptop Pack was introduced, and I can only assume since the ad was just on TV that KFC has recently brought it back.
Having read through those admittedly minimal materials, I still don't really understand what this "Pack" has to do with computers.

Just a note, before I start quoting: I realize that "close reading" shit like this is just the kind of thing you'd expect from a college-age version of the dweeb who liked to talk about how "KFC can't call itself Kentucky Fried Chicken anymore because its food has so many chemicals." I just want everyone to know that I hated that kid and I hated his little factoids (sup KH!). That being said, the press release begins:

LOUISVILLE, KY - KFC® knows a thing or two about food-and it knows about parents and kids. Now, with the introduction of its new Kids Laptop Pack kids meal, it brings together all of these honest-to-goodness truths:

* kids are picky;
* kids don't like their food touching other food;
* kids want to eat at their own pace; and
* kids want to feel in control of their mealtimes as they push the limits of both their own independence and their parents' patience.

Okay so wait, never mind the weird use of "it," but what's up with the second bullet point? Is that really a thing? I wouldn't whine/dwell here except that they go on to spin it as the Pack's central point of similarity to a laptop, making it all the more inexplicable.

Armed with this kidformation -- and after much testing, cooking, and tasting, KFC created the ultimate kids meal...

"'I get it, I grab it, I cook it, I move it, I sell it!' God, how I wish I wrote that!" Next up, a section titled "The Packaging."

But if you think that's going to contain answers, you'd better upgrade your version of Wikipedia and think again, because all we get is:

KFC created its unique Kids Laptop Pack not only to hold the meal, but to entertain and educate the kids. Innovative, interactive, and incredibly cool, the Laptop Pack keeps each food separate from the rest, allowing kids to maintain a neat setup while eating at home, on the go, or in the car.

According to Packaging Digest, the Pack - produced and designed by International Paper in collab w/ KFC - "comprises a one-piece, compartmented, SBS paperboard tray, that's glued, scored and die-cut" to hold the various foods in their designated areas. But back that bus up: what does keeping foods separate from other foods have to do with laptops?? I don't know about you guys, but with my grimy ways, the food in my laptop – that is, all the gunk that has collected under and between my keys after many nights of pizza'n'internet with Keyhole - is definitely NOT separate. I guess the Pack is like a laptop because it is rectangular and opens on a hinge? Many, maybe even most, containers are like that, but that does not make them laptops.

The only other tie-ins they try to hustle under the turnstyle are the Pack's "unique portability" and the educational content of the illustrations on its exterior. "Its unique portability makes it a favorite for those in the driver's seat as there are no spills or food on the floor after quick meals on the run." That is ludicrous, since all lunch packs (at least Lunchables, and all the other ones stocked in the same section of the deli aisle) are equally portable. Also, kids can't drive cars. And even if they could, it wouldn't make this Pack like a laptop since you can't use laptops while you are driving. As for the Pack's edu-tainment (according to Packaging Digest, which quotes Michael Tierney, KFC's director of advertising and public relations, that means it can "educate and entertain simultaneously"), I don't really see how a bunch of arithmetic problems and puzzles make this particular product any more like a laptop than a Lunchable or a box of Kellog's cereal.

So, in conclusion, "fuck a chicken, lick a chicken, suck a chicken, beat a chicken, eat a chicken like it's a big cock, b'kuh-b'kaak!"

Kids know what laptops are!